Chapter 12 - 2:17 A.M.
Emily’s fever returned at twenty-four weeks.
This time, it was worse.
Her immune system had been weakened by treatment.
The hospital moved quickly.
Antibiotics.
Monitoring.
Isolation precautions.
Machines.
Numbers.
At 2:17 a.m., her blood pressure dropped.
People flooded the room.
I was moved into the hallway.
The doors shut.
There it was again.
The thing I had always feared.
A problem I could not enter.
Could not command.
Could not fix.
I sat on the floor.
A young lieutenant from my old unit would later tell me he walked past and almost did not recognize me.
I did not care.
For forty-three minutes, nobody told me anything.
Then Dr. Brooks came out.
“She’s responding.”
I almost collapsed.
“And the baby?”
“Heart rate remains reassuring.”
I covered my face.
Two lives.
Still here.
Barely.
That morning Emily woke.
She looked at me.
“You look terrible.”
“So do you.”
“Cancer patient.”
“Fair advantage.”
Her weak laugh sounded like music.
Then she became serious.
“Ryan.”
“Yes?”
“If I survive this…”
“When.”
She glared.
I corrected myself.
“Sorry.”
“If I survive this, I don’t want our entire relationship afterward to be built around you saving me.”
“I know.”
“Do you?”
She studied my face.
“I don’t want gratitude pretending to be love.”
“Neither do I.”
“And I don’t want guilt pretending to be commitment.”
I nodded.
“Neither do I.”
Emily took my hand.
“Then whatever happens between us has to start from zero.”
The words hurt.
Then I understood their gift.
Zero was not negative.
Zero was not gone.
Zero was somewhere to begin.
“Okay.”
May you like
She squeezed my fingers.
“Okay.”
